IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
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i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
I bet birds love this building.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
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I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
[canadians at you, canadianly]
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for