Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.

People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician

I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid

Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work

love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.

It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.

Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?

Eve: Uh yeah, totally

Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”

So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?

I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground

Her: I want you to choke me daddy

Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth

doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live

Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.

The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.

Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?

Just me? 😬

4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night

me: warp speed

4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real

me: neither is Santa go to sleep

My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.

I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.

tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead

Me after 1 airport cocktail:

Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended

*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”

The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.

Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.

good cop: you do not have to talk to us

bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup

A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.

Mary Jane: So…know what today is?

Spider-Man: Um…no.

MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.

Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.

MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…

Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10

got so much cardio in today

ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.

Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.