Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.

I’m in a really bad place right now*

*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house

every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family

Your honor, my client wasn’t trying to stab the victim. He was checking to see if he was cake

We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners

I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.

We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.

Cheer up.

I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.

urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there

The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.

This pretty much sums up my life choices.

GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this

Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.

Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.

How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight

3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.

I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)

My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.

I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation

you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner

Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group

As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose

I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.

“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.

Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?

Me: The ham expires tomorrow.

If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.

Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.

nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper

love how you can hear the crowd constantly forgetting the queen died and singing god save the quing

When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?

nobody:

stick in the park:

6 y/o me: I will take it home