If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
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In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
I don’t know why my co-workers looked so grossed out. All I said was, “It’s time to make like a tampon and get out of this bloody hole.”
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
Ask your child how many minutes they think are left on a car journey instead of them asking you.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.