If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
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I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Shout out to the racoon or drunk person messing with my trashcans right now. Thank you for laughs, making me feel more sober than I am, and making me double check my doors are locked.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
i’m trying to quit making sexual innuendos but it’s so hard
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
“GUYS! WAKE UP! SOME DUDE JUST ATE CARL!”
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.