If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
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Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
Take care of yourself, ladies
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
I went to collect my dracula costume, ready for Halloween. They handed me a Manchester United shirt instead.
I explained, “Sorry, you must have misheard me, I wanted to dress as a COUNT!” 🧛🏻♂️
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
#winning
long distance relationships can work if the 4 of you all truly trust each other.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
School Nurse [calling]: Your child is in my office.
Me: What’s wrong?
Nurse: She’s just overtired.
Me: Join the club.
Nurse: She’s lying down now.
Me: I’ll be right there.
Nurse: Ok. I’ll have her dismissed.
Me: What? No. I’m just coming to lie down, too.
watching the vp debate, in any election year, is time you will never get back. time you could be using to learn a cool new skill. you could learn how to make pottery. you could make weird little bowls and shit