If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
You Might Also Like
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
#Caturday
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
there’s music for literally every activity
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
real
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.