If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
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One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
There should be a Mad Max movie that reveals the world outside Australia has actually remained pretty normal
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay