If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
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You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
If I ignore life will it go away?
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
This week’s mood.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
*frowns in Scottish*
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.