if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
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Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
Waking up has backfired on me so many times
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.