Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dating Tips
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Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.

My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.

The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.

God has left this place

Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.

i just really want crab legs

..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me

Just cleaned out my desk.

Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.

Good news: I found the plane!

For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.

So, yeah, you’re right.

telling a musician “great content tonight, man” after their set

Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.

imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.

My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!

Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.

Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”

Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”

Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.

Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases

my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical

[Dracula bites a pig]

Me: ohhhhh, hampire

Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks

Him: you just offended all of Canada

Smiles from ear to ear.

Wife: what are you smiling about?

Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard

Wife: God I love that dog.

May you never lose your sense of wonder.

Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

Him: Where’d you get that black eye?

Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.

Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.

Me: I did too…

The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.

Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.

It’s. Just. Tea.

Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies

“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what

Me: Hello darkness, my old friend

Darkness: *rolls eyes*

Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.

Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.

Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?