Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this

I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.

Collecting my reserved books at the library: They’re under the name Marriott.

Librarian: Oh, like the author!

Me: Huh?

Librarian: You know, the author – Zoë Marriott!

Me, blankly: This… has never happened to me before.

Librarian: All right. Can I have your library card?

This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.

My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.

Wife: Take out the trash

Me: Just let me finish this movie

Wife: What are you watching?

Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story

what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing

If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.

Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans

Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.

All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.

First thing I do when I move into a new apartment is buy a drum set

Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea

Me: But I was singing Britney Spears

Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”

Me: That’s a lyric

Bouncer: You were in the bathroom

A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief

The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you

…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.

I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?

If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.

Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”

Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.

Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware

What do you text your spouse?

daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices

The new American dream is an alien invasion.

This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?

Me: what’s the deal with airplane food

Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise

A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.

[first day as a tampon designer]

Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.

[first time in a bed]

me: this blanket is really heavy

salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress

i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website