Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.

Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose

Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!

I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions

“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Banned from driving.

I stopped my pig from eating a penny.

I don’t know why.

I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.

My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.

My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”

Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?

*aliens land in America*

Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!

Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…

I just slipped on a banana peel.

It didn’t fit.

Friend: What time is it?

Me: November.

Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot

judge: how do you plead

me: *burps* excuse me

judge: you are excused

me: [running away] gottem lol

jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien

therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources

bezos: so that i can build my spaceship

therapist:

bezos: *licks eyeball*

[Listening to a song from the 70s]
Singer: I love you, girl
Me: He means girl like a woman
Singer: Yes I love you, little girl
Me: I guess he means like late teens
Singer: You’re just a child, so young, little girl
Me: Oh no

Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.

I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.

Interior design 👌

After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet

I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.

sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are

“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys

Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.

Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..

Daughter: wtf dad?

Common sense: Walk away.

Me: No.

My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”

Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”

no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I

Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.

And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.

A two-step guide to warning someone not to hit their head:

1. Wait until they’ve hit their head
2. Say “ooh, mind your head”