Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If the line takes more than 5 minutes at the grocery store the candy beside the checkout aisle should be free.

If you’re hungry, you can say “I’d kill for a doughnut,” and it’s fine. But any other crime sounds suspicious.

“I’d commit insider trading for a cruller right now.”

“Oh man, I’d totally burn down a warehouse for a bear claw.”

“Give me a jelly filled or I’ll shiv you.”

Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*

*first day as a conductor

“Tickets, please”

*the orchestra is confused

Drove past two First Baptist churches.

One of them is lying.

The right person will know this subtweet is about them.

If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.

[In meeting, puts cap on pen]

Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.

[First day as an exterminator]

Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.

Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD

“Come on guys, we gotta go!”
“One more minute.”
“Brad was supposed to fill up yesterday.”
“Sorry guys, I forgot.”
“Goddamnit, Brad.”
“Um, guys?”
“What?”
“I don’t have my credit card.”
“GODDAMNIT, BRAD.”

wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats

Her: We’re having twins!

Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!

I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”

Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials

After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?

Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island

COP: any drugs in the car

ME: no

COP: lol nerd

My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal

[after bowling]

Me: that was fun

Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball

Me: it helps me aim

[later in bed]

Me: *whispering* bo-

Her: -no

I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.

My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.

I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks

all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood

Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!

Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.

I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.

THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging

ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me

Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.

My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.

#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.