If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
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[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
Someone once told me it couldn’t be done, so do you know what I did? I immediately said, “Ok” and stopped trying and I’ve never been more relaxed.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
multitasking lunch
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.