Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
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After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
それは草
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??