Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.

the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”

Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first

(At war) you guys mind if I leave a bit early today?

him: what are you thinking about rn

me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack

I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.

Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday

[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T H

C R E

O D

W

To the lady in the black BMW who stuck up two fingers at me after I beeped at her when pulling out of Waitrose car park just now:

Your Louis Vuitton handbag probably isn’t on your car roof anymore.

HIM: Why is this sticky?

ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth

No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping

I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.

Captain America taught me that I just need to take performance enhancing drugs to be loved by everyone

0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening

I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.

If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.

Chief Wiggum, Springfield PD, here… they’re doing WHAT?

Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned

*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap

Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.

“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”

Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”

I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.

My dryer is celebrating lint.

My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.

Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.

Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.

Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*

Vampire: Thank you.

Review of the Solar System

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”

KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside