If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
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Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
what could possibly go wrong?
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.