If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
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4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
Having your own bed while married is crazy—got my body plopped in the middle—-remote on one side—ipad on the other—bag of snickers over yonder
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
Sing it!
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
Diabetes: you’re my type.
Me: you’re my type 2
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
My Dad just turned on a documentary about WWII. At the start it warned “may contain violence”. Dad muttered, “that’s a bit of an understatement, isn’t it?”
Telling my car to speak English when a dashboard light comes on.
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you