Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.

“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”

– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum

Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no

WIFE: The police are at the front door

ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?

Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.

Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?

50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.

When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:

Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?

Stranger: I’m going to punch you in the face now

Me: Please don’t

Stranger: It’s on sale 🥰

Me: Omg 3 please

If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.

[Biker gang initiation]

Hey fellas, do I use baseball or hockey cards in my spokes

“Password is incorrect”

*resets password*

“New password cannot be the same as the old password”

Me: That is a dank whale

Date: That’s a killer whale

Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce

The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.

Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.

Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.

Me: *coughs*

Coworker:

Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.

Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.

Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.

The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.

I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce

inefficient if literal:

a dust bowl

Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.

cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night

Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.

The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.

me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all

therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood

me: one sec

[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]

MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much

I wish I tried half as hard at anything as the cooking world does to substitute regular pizza dough with random bullshit.

It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house

Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.