Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Seems kinda suspicious

All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus

I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed

[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]

“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”

I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.

– Dogs

Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.

Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well

5-year-old asked if Santa can see her when she’s naked. I said no of course not because obviously I want her to feel safe and secure, but now I’m getting the sense that she was looking for a loophole and will be nakedly breaking rules in the near future.

Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.

Today is International “Hug Your Cat” day. Which means tomorrow is International “Band-aid and Neosporin” day.

pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost

My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions

My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.

Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika

when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral

[Married pillow-talk]

Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.

At George Orwell’s grave yesterday an American lady asked us how, if he died in 1940 (not the worst bit of this story), did he write a book in 1984…

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch

townsfolk: you should come to the festival

me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?

townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?

me: oh i’m going regardless

wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot

White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere

why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too

He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.

Who needs an Air Fryer?

Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.

you’re either snacking with me or snacking against me

Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?

I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.

[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]

Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it

Obama: Joe!

Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed