Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dumple

I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.

hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?

Dear hiring manager,

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*

You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.

If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994

You say you like to live your life dangerously, but are we talking drinking coffee at night dangerous or bungee jumping off a bridge dangerous?

Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?

If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.

A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.

Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.

[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”

Actually I am.

“WHAT”

APRIL FOOLS!

“Whew”

I’m technically a serial killer.

My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.

I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.

if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot

2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.

2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.

2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.

Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks

Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.

[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”

they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way

A little discriminatory towards Jesus.

billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.

[at checkout counter]

Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no

GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby

ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.

me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment

boyfriend:

My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?

Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?

[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]

Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.

The comment ads on twitter are so trippy

“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”

Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.