Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Last night my neighbour came home drunk and banged on his own door for like 5 minutes. Problem is, he lives alone….

So I went outside and told him he wasn’t there and he left!

Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.

There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!

Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.

[blind date]

Her: so what do you do for fu..

Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE

Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.

Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.

What do we want?
SNACKS!

When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!

– kids.

My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.

Critic: I don’t like your work

Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work

Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.

Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.

I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that

If you breakdance you buy dance.

For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.

Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.

Alien: Take us to your leader.

America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?

Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.

*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*

Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious

Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.

Her: How old is he?

Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….

[first time skydiving]

Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*

Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet

Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.

doctor: you’re going to di-

me: disney?

doctor: no

Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.

BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!

WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.

(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?

A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.

I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.

“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels