Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This checks out

I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.

6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”

Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”

6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”

Me: “Wait, what?”

SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt

SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.

SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?

SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches

“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*

I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.

ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity

ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot

Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.

My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv

Jungle book…she meant jungle book

who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area

“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”

– IT Department as marriage counselors

Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!

I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?

[First date after divorce]

Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.

Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.

True dat! 😂😂😂😂

Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!

Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*

Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.

*chases cat around the house with a lint roller

This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.

I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.

I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door

Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.

I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.

Me: the vacuum broke

Husband: that sucks

Me: no it doesn’t

I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.

[being murdered]

Me: omg barry? from high school?

Barry: no way {stab} dave?

Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?

Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now

Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec

My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.

You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.

me: *clicks Add to dictionary*

microsoft word: yeah definitely doing that 👍