Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.

i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain

I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂

The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.

a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”

Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?

Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’

Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?

Me: He has moved on to a better place.

Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!

Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.

I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.

There’s a whole world of people out there!

*closes the door*

SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT

Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?

Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight

Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)

Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge

WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs

only three people know my grandma’s secret tuna casserole recipe & two of them have been missing since 1957

Relationship advice:

Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.

It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers

Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.

Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?

Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?

Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…

John Krasinski is People’s Sexiest Man Alive for 2024.

thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*

God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them

[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps

[police station]

I’d like to fill out a police report.

*describes myself to the sketch artist*

I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.

I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.

Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…

GET DOWN!

Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.

*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*

Well that sucked.

🗽

Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.

I’d always wondered what happen to those guys!

“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases

Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.

Who’s ready for music?

Not you.

You have tetanus