Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government

Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act

i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs

Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.

It was worth a shot 😂

robber: gimme your money

me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents

my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies

My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?

“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”

– Diet ads for Cannibals

3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?

Me: of course sweetie

3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?

Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!

3: what was your favourite part?

Me:

3:

Me:

3:

Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?

3: mine too yay!

Me: yay!

Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.

I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?

You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.

I’ll have enough candy left for trick or treaters tonight… if there are only 8 of them.

And they come in the next 15 minutes.

If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.

*pee

How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?

A tractor.

[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?

Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.

It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.

Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man

I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.

Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…

When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.

Me: you want french toast for breakfast?

Toddler: yes.

Me: manners?

Toddler: no thank you.

[job interview]

“Name one of your strengths”

I didn’t stab anyone today

“That’s not-”

Yesterday wasn’t so good tho

BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired

Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.

ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.

ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.

ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.

ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.

If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”

[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”