If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
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[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
As someone who was born in August, I find the word leotard extremely offensive.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
Wait a minute…
She: I think our sex would be off the charts!
Me: You have sex charts?
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Might start signing off emails with ‘well I hope you’re happy’
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.