If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
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I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
I’ll only give a restaurant a 5 star review if the couple at the next table are breaking up.
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.