Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to walk around a museum

[first day of creation]

GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light

My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!

My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?

Your move, grandpa.

Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.

And I’ve said too much.

9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”

9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”

BRIDE TO BE: Did you pick up the centrepiece like I asked?
GROOM: YES. I’M NOT AN IDIOT
*kicks box of centipedes under sofa*

Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor

BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?

SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.

Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.

#catsoftwitter

My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.

I said, “No, wait! I can change.”

wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?

Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?

[confessional]

me: father, gooey naan.

father: what’s gooey naan?

me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?

In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.

I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.

Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?

I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it

if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately

The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.

I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.

This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself

[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now

[My 8yo looking for something]

OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.

the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments

Tired: Clapping when the plane lands

Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives

Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter

Me, hand on the fire alarm:

Coworker: I think you’re funny

Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes

*me flirting

My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”

H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?

Me: … … … Yes.

I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.

*I’ll show myself out*