If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
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My boyfriend’s bike was stolen out of our backyard today. It was meticulously locked up around our fence, so you might ask me “Kaitlin, if it was so meticulously locked up on the fence they how did they steal it?”
That is because they also stole the fence.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Never mess with a drunken pig.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
Rambo Rambow
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.