If you’re wondering how motherhood is going, I’m watching a TV show and someone is in traction with a full body cast and I sighed and said “That looks so relaxing”
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ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
I support this random dude and all his protests
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
When news reporters do sports stories
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.