If you’re wondering how motherhood is going, I’m watching a TV show and someone is in traction with a full body cast and I sighed and said “That looks so relaxing”
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The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
It’s completely absurd that Silicon Valley is pushing AI on us before they figured out how to keep fries fresh during takeout and delivery.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
iPhone 14, iPhone 15 and iPhone 16
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
cat vs inanimate object
What weighs 20kgs and has eaten 2kgs of freshly roasted smoked gammon?
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
Hey Australia, who won the election tomorrow?
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
no one:
my cat: look, i am 56 years old and i used to be homeless so i think i’m entitled to eat just a little plastic,
me in a relationship:
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.