If you’re wondering how motherhood is going, I’m watching a TV show and someone is in traction with a full body cast and I sighed and said “That looks so relaxing”
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I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
Nice try, poison.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now