If you’re wondering how motherhood is going, I’m watching a TV show and someone is in traction with a full body cast and I sighed and said “That looks so relaxing”
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KNOCK KNOCK!
Who’s there?
*Note appears through letterbox* “We tried to deliver your parcel…”
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
this isn’t threatening at all
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.