If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
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God help the parent* who tries to put a new food on their child’s plate.
*my husband
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
When I find myself in times of trouble
Tinnitus it comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom,
“Eeeeeeeeeeee”
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
I’m not stressed
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.