Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life

This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.

You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”

Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.

*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.

THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.

If you don’t have personal demons, store bought is fine.

its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad

It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft

How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy

Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup

Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.

Her: How old is he?

Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….

i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years

Not all drugs are cool, but one is dope

We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.

It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”

Karate and loose meat sandwiches.

Welcome to Sloppy Dojo’s. I’ll be your sensei for this evening.

All salads come with our own roundhouse dressing

[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?

Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes

Boss: We drew those

Me: Another good theory

Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital

Me: That would be great, we really need the beds

Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!

Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?

Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!

If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?

I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?

we must combat the global scourge of underage baking

i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it

Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.

Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….

All Amazon reviews are like

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy

⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY

Me: how do I do taxes?

School: here’s a recorder

Me: what is a credit score?

School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this

Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?

School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.

I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.

There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.

Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.