If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
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Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
learning about math 🧐 📝
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”