If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
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Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
you guys HAVE to try the golden retriever in springfield. it is soooo good
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
no refunds
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*