Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.

wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok

[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]

“You see? She is both dead and al-”

“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”

What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?

If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.

If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.

If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.

[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER!

[1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.

*first and last day as a therapist *

patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room

me: you’re not alone

patient: aaaahhhhhhh

After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.

–

Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED

Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”

I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.

HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.

at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back

Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.

I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.

I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.

As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.

[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]

[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD

Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented

“I just called to say I love you.”

-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work

Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.

The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs

Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really

I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.

My son, 5, scared of the thunder.

I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.

Think that helped.

[2nd time at girls house]

“where’s your dog?”

Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting

[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”