If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
You Might Also Like
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
-Do you have this t-shirt on large
-Sir, it’s a yard sale
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Bond. Trauma bond.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.