Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.

why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?

*me, at high school prom

Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?

Interviewer: Why do you want this job?

Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food

Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake

My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”

Teaching my kid math like:

If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?

wtf

I’d like to make a formal apology to whomever had to clean the Shake Shack restroom at HWY 35 and Pirate Cove Lane after my visit.

Wife: It’s fine

*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way

11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…

Me: Grounded.

No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now

My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.

I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!

If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs

Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??

Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!

How to beat depression:

1) Talk to someone

2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.

Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.

Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?

Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.

Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.

[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

It’s so cute that you’re nervous

[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?

Just paid £200 for a train ticket. If the inspector doesn’t turn up, I’m going looking for him.

*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure

I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal

Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.

rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no

When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.

When humans do it, they lose a finger.

Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.

ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!

wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?

[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]