Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Using advanced AI technology, Blast Zone has been able to predict what Young Sheldon, from the TV show Young Sheldon, will look like as an adult

My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out

I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.

There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.

I got in trouble for taking pictures in a museum. They caught me with four paintings under my coat.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.

Our generation has its flaws but I know I can message any friend with a random thought/meme at 6am and it won’t disturb them because their phone has been set to silent since 2006

Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.

Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.

HOW TO BE A LAWYER:

Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.

I fucking love letting emergency vehicles past on blue lights. I try to make it as easy as possible for them, to the point that I hope they drive past and think ‘wow, he’s done a great job of getting out the way’

If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.

They say that sex is the best form of exercise.

Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.

Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free

Me: *opening can of worms

Husband: Where the hell did that come from?

Me: I can’t resist a sale.

“I have a date with destiny”

Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions

I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.

Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos

I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.

A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.

Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻‍♀️

people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?

Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness

– Romayo and Juliet

Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.

looking at weird sushi roll names and uh

My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth

I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.

Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?

A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.

He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.

If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing