Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s no “u” in narcissist

Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.

If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.

Podcasts are like having real friends. This is insulting to your actual friends, but they brought that on themselves.

The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information

How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left

[God creating armadillos]

Shove that mouse into a seashell

If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.

Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.

All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.

heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists

One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.

Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb

I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”

COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.

*on blind date*

Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?

Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!

I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.

Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant

The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.

One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.

<~>Fortune Cookie<~>

We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.

mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans

Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁

me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here

love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster

Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]

mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night

inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma

[Waffle House interview]

Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”

Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”

Manager:“When can you start?”

Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.