If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
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little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister