If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
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The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.