If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
You Might Also Like
ah yes….my favourite videogame
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
#math
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!