Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.

“We just want to find someone who will-”

*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?

“Exactly.”

-death row inmates

14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’

Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’

Guy: Are you pregnant?

Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.

Guy: …..

Me: Cowabunga, douche!

In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.

Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…

At ease

Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?

My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!

If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…

…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.

[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.

Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?

Me: *checks Fitbit*

if my sleeping schedule was a person

You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.

“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”

If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.

Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”

I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”

[on the sixth question in two minutes]

4: what does “not” mean

me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.

4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.

Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh

The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.

Daughter: You’re invading my personal space

Mom: You came out of my personal space

Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?

Me: living

*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler

I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience

If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food

Stuff the woman sitting in front of me has googled in class today:
Henry Cavill
Clam chowder
New England clam chowder
Where is New England
Old England
Henry Cavill

And, no, it’s not a chowder class.

Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies

Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did

My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea

“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel