Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.

*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*

me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen

wife: I have some in my purse

me: naaaaahhhh

I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.

A tragic love story in two pictures.

Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.

Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.

Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??

From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??

Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.

why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE

Who called them mermaids and not scale models?

My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle

[aquarium exit]

Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?

I beg your pardon?!

OPEN YOUR BAG

*opens bag and reveals two penguins*

Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”

3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch

What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?

“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*

[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes

Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.

Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?

Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!

Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….

I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.

Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.

Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.

Me working remotely from home:

“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”

*moving laundry from washer to dryer

Them: What is wrong with you?

Me: How much time do you have?

I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣

Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.

Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.

this is me

I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea

[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]