If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.

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Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.


Everybody thinks Australians are laid back until one of us is standing over you with a chainsaw asking you to pronounce Aluminium correctly.


If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.


Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.

– Why they wear masks


The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.

Dear God, woman. Not the cake!


[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.


I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.


[helping my only child do homework]

5: can you help?

Me: I’m awful with numbers

8: pleeeeeeeease


my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015


My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.