@TheNYAMProject

If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.

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@sixfootcandy

Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.

@BellesJar

Everybody thinks Australians are laid back until one of us is standing over you with a chainsaw asking you to pronounce Aluminium correctly.

@praisecheese

If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.

@noogscorner

Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.

– Why they wear masks

@PetrickSara

The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.

Dear God, woman. Not the cake!

@4SLars

[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.

@Rollinintheseat

I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.

@KissabiX

[helping my only child do homework]

5: can you help?

Me: I’m awful with numbers

8: pleeeeeeeease

@causticbob

my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015

@KalvinMacleod

My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.