If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
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*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
No point crayon over spilled milk.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
bad
worse
worst
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