If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
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For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
The old gods are rising again.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married