If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
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I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? I don’t even know where I am right now.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
if I was minding my own business and someone told me I stink stank stunk I’d try to steal their christmas too. my mans did nothing wrong
Going into Monday like
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.