If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
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🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
He said, “I like talking to you because we’re intellectual equals,” and Reader, it took everything I had to quietly nod.
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
incredible
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
You’re telling me he could’ve gone by “Hugh Mungo”?
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
I’m only drinking a lot of beer tonight because I need the room in the fridge.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.