If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
You Might Also Like
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap