Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”

If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.

i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t

RIDDLER: What has–

BATMAN: A gazebo

ROBIN: Matches

RIDDLER: Let me finish-

BM: A paperweight

R: Dental floss

RIDDLER: I hate you guys

North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))

Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots

Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary

Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.

Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.

Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.

When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying

my 7 year old went to his first movie theatre recently. when walking in, he asked “is the movie theatre private? like, do i have to keep my pants on in here?” and upon discovering he had to keep all his clothes on, he decided all other movies would be viewed at home

It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.

Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.

Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job

Me: Whats the salary?

10k now and will increase to 25k later

Me: Ok then, I will come later

I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards

Can I get a piña colada please.

‘This is Starbucks’

Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.

Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.

I love reading newspaper websites. The screen refreshing on its own 3 times in quick succession, the text disappearing halfway down the article, a random video advert suddenly filling the screen, the whole page unexpectedly closing for no reason. Great experience.

COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?

We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.

{swallowed by a whale}

Me: gross. It’s so-

Whale: don’t you say it

Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!

Whale: *throws me up*

Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal

If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?

Her: I’m a parapsychologist.

Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?

Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.

nobody

literally nobody

my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself

Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS

Emergency training complete

All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.