If you’re wondering what a mom brain is I just looked for the milk in the microwave.
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I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.