If you’re wondering what a mom brain is I just looked for the milk in the microwave.
You Might Also Like
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
*calling 911 for the fifth time*
{breathing heavy & whispering} okay, the spider has just reached the ceiling
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
This one’s “Alex”.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)