If you’re wondering what a mom brain is I just looked for the milk in the microwave.
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*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
Neighbours are away & the house-sitter asked me for help with the back door that was stuck. Grabbed GT85 lubricant, fixed the sliding bolts, & while she was distracted, I lubricated the creaking hinges on their front door that have been driving me mad for 3 years.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
There’s a woman at the bar who is cheering the debate at unpredictable intervals and I was completely unable to figure out her politics until we realized she’s playing bingo
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Me, at the ER: I’ve been shot, it hurts please help
Doctor: you’d probably be in less pain if you lost 20lbs
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar