If you’re wondering what a mom brain is I just looked for the milk in the microwave.
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ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
Passed by a old school Math example today.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
neighborhood watch
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
So apparently if they ask “do you trust me?”…. replying with “well I trust you to be you” is the incorrect response