Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

But weight, there’s more!

– Thanksgiving

My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.

HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!

2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.

If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.

It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.

~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter

[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??

Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.

I should have stayed in kindergarten.

Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men

They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-

“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”

self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign

me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me

murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction

I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?

My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”

Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.

If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends

It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well

ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.

Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?

Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.

Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*

*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall

gave a tox lecture and i made a funny joke and one of students says “haha my friend told me about this joke when you made it for his class last year”

omg my worst nightmare the students are finding out i reuse my jokes noooooo

When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.

Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.

It just seems like one would see a lot more data while flying through the clouds.

My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.

“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it

If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK

WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*

Principal: Your son is a gamer

[Parents are visibly shaken]

Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.

Parents: OH THANK GOD

Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.