Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.

Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.

I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”

i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses

[Arby’s]

Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all

Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when

Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!

The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.

baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”

this is from a book called the bible

Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.

Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.

Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!

*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip

I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.

I kinda want to date him now.

🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶

I’m not positive,

but I think when you say you’re “over” something,

YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.

*watches Forensic Files for tips*

*taps pencil*

*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*

*taps pencil*

*pauses*

*underlines it*

All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname

I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.

Friend: When did you fall in love with your husband?

Me: When he called it, “Wash your sister sauce.”

I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?

Me: please, I’ve tried everything

Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware

When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent

I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.

Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.

No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity

I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy

Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys

I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off

professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM

Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen

My kids: NOOOOO!!!

tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away