If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
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Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
A friend sent me this.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]