If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
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came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
From my Mom
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
“Ooh go on then, I’ll just have one!”
*eats many, many, many, many biscuits*
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
rewatching 2016 and 2020 election night coverage at 2x speed, to catch up with the first two in the trilogy before the finale drops tomorrow
I got pulled over ONE TIME when my daughter was with me and now whenever she sees a police car she says her own special little prayer of “please god let my mom drive normal”
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
Sometimes I think about when a woman told me I did it the easy way having twins and I didn’t kick her in the crotch.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies