Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.

Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.

DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.

Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.

ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager

Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.

Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.

I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.

My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.

DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!

CACTUS: 🌵

DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…

A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE

Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.

The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.

She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.

The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice

Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour

The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day

what the hell girl, sure

I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person

I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.

10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house

I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes

My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness

Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*

[30 min later]

Wife: …where is he?

Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)

applying for a new job

I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”

What do we want?

ROCK HARD ABS!

When do we want them?

THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!

If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??

So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits

I say yeah I do…

And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀

Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw

As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.

are they though??

Student: “May I go to the toilet?”

Teacher: “What for?”

Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”

There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right