If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
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[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
washing mushrooms is the quickest way to figure out exactly how much dirt you’re okay with eating
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
I’d love this…lol
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining