If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
You Might Also Like
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
My husband is the do-it-yourself type. I asked him to take out the garbage and he said, “do it yourself.”
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
The walk of shame, but it’s just trying to walk after sitting crisscross applesauce for a few minutes.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.