Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*plays Eye of the Tiger*

*starts runni…*

*yeah, screw this*

If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.

– Things I have to say to my mom

“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.

My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about

Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet

Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II

*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*

THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?

THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.

Just yelled “LET’S DO THIS” when getting into my car, so my neighbors think I am doing something way cooler than my weekly Target run.

I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.

I can handle anything that comes my way except for when I’m hungry or sleepy or stressed or have a stuffy nose

Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.

Judas: Never. He’s my friend.

Council: …and an iPad.

Judas: I hate that guy.

If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.

[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy

My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.

True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆

I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.

The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.

Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.

Library patron of the week: the kindergartener whose parting shot at checkout was, “You haven’t seen the last of ME.”

If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.

I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.

My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.

We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.

My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age

Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me

Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?

W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?

Me: *laughing* Yep

W: OMG noooo

I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.

*in the car*

dog: where we going?

me: to the neuter clinic

dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!

me: no. your nuts

I don’t care how you season it, ham radios definitely taste more like radio than they do ham

“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?