Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.

Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?

Resteraunts call themselves gastropubs and eateries so they don’t have to spell restarunt.

Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?

doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another

I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead

4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled

I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!

(There is no school this week)

Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.

Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.

kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween

dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work

kid: i didn’t-

dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch

If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.

I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.

best review i’ve ever seen

“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car

(watching Simone Biles do 100 flips) I could do that.. for the right paycheck

“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars

There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again

I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.

i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching

Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.

My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.

(Item doesn’t scan)

Me: Does that mean it’s free?

Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.

Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?

don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die

I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?

thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair

Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?

Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?

me: what kind of dog is that?

him: husky

me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?

REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?

ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes

[a 31st dog walks by]

ME: oh no

they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly