Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.

Bromans 4:19

Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.

There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.

If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.

“I’m thinking about having a baby.”

“You should get a dog.”

“As a sort of test?”

“No. You should just get a dog.”

Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward

If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again

If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.

You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”

[ first date ]

her: i want a partner that can open my heart

me: well i am a surge-

her: and never do anything to shock me

me: protector

My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink

god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!

jesus: ya dad?

god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.

I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.

My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium

Either you’re violently frolicking with me or you’re violently frolicking against me.

The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.

Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?

My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.

Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account

Women drinking coffee.

My three favorite things.

I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.

My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.

caveman: can I use some of that fire?
caveman who invented it: why?
caveman: im gonna burn glorg house down
caveman who invented it: no that’s arson

Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?

Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you

Me: one pill pls

Pill Bottle: 37

Me: no just one pls

Pill Bottle: 37

Me: pls only one pi-

Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao

Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful

You take the oxy out of oxymoron

Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”

don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays