If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
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Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
Everything is arbitrary to kids so you can invent any rule you want, just present it as a normal rule. We wear a seatbelt in the car. We wear a helmet on our bike. We wear a disguise to the bank
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
“go to hell” is basic. “i hope James cordon plays a starring role in the movie of your favorite musical” is real. it’s possible. it’s terrifying.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
76% of pardoned turkeys end up back in the system
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂