If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
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*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
Golf would be better with landmines.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
unmuting at the end of a call just to say “nothing from my end, thanks”
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
We were never supposed to have this much access to stupid people’s thoughts, beliefs, and opinions.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
This election could drag on for days. Unless someone captures the Snitch, then it ends immediately.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Husband made a meme about our baby’s reaction every time he sees the cat
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
oh u like geography? name every lake
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
I had to manually change the channel on the TV because the batteries in the remote died, and now the kids think I know magic.