Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.

My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.

Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.

Doctor’s office: Please hold.

Me: Okay.

Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?

Me: Please hold.

Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.

[At Mall]

Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!

Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS

Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*

Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me

happy halloween

Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼‍♀️

All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.

A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo

I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.

Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.

My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?

I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …

Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.

Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.

You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.

The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes

saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower

my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay

Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.

Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.

🤣😂🤣😂

Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions

This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.

My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.

[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacist

Her: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”

Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.

“I wouldn’t.”