If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
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My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
there are 8 billion people in the world and i only have 3 friends and one is annoying.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
This is painfully accurate 😅
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
Husband of the year 😂
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*