If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
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Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
Been escorted out of the building of Global IT for unplugging something so I could plug in my George Foreman grill
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
new bit: referring to my husband as my “ex-boyfriend”
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
Cake!!
