Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In my 20s: jingle all the way

In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty

My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.

Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it

Grow up never but we old may grow we

I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.

During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.

It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!

Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.

“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”

I’ve never met a libra

*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*

My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.

Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”

If you respond, “My bra is too tight” every time a coworker approaches, they will stop asking you questions.

Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.

Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.

The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information

It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?

When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”

*tries to turn on TV*

TV: I have a boyfriend

“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair

Sorted

{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go

DOG 911: what’s your emer-

DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING

DOG 911: so?

DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

British people: Unicycle

American people: Collegecycle

Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.

wiping my hands on my pants before i shaking someone’s hand so they spend the rest of the day wondering what i just touched

Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.

Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-

Wife: No

Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!

[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want

her: i’ll have the lobster

waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster

ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…

Are these grass-fed oranges?