Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wish the trash would take me out for once.

*Paranormal Factivity*

[I walk into my bathroom]

“OH MY GOD”

[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]

Nobody ever told me that this was an option.

you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”

Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger

him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve

me: that’s ketchup

I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about

Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?

My son just won the Most Unused Napkin award at dinner

[working at prison coffee shop]

I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business

Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin

🤣🤣

If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.

Thanks for reading.

It took me three decades to become an overnight success.

Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are

My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?

5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”

Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”

5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”

Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly

perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower

I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.

My daughter had a before school donut party for track and an after school ice cream party for orchestra so I asked her if she had anything else coming up?

My 10 y/o as he walks by… “Diabetes probably.”

[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]

My Son: Where’s his lawyer?

Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.

My Son: *heavy sigh*

Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.

On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.

I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.

Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.

*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*

If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand