If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
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Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
Just ordered me some pizza!
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.