If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
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playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
(finding some nice fresh limbs) nice… these will be perfect for my frankenstein
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
good for her
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
