Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“This cashier is a dipshit.”

– Me at self checkout

Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up

When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up

shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever

A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.

25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.

Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.

Me: My name is Daniel Kibblesmith and I will be performing Defying Gravity from Wicked

Casting Director: This audition is for a water-logged corpse on Law & Order

Me: And I have some ideas

The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins

so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*

“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression

Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct

Occam’s toothbrush: show off

I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.

If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.

[walking out of bathroom]

me: oh boy, do NOT go in there

*guy walks in anyway*

*comes out screaming*

me: ya it’s like super haunted

Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*

Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party

Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??

I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets

Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!

At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?

I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot

New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!

My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks

“playing devil’s advocate” should cause explosive diarrhea 1 out of every 5 times someone (your coworker) says it

How fast is milk?

It’s pasteurised your eyes before you know it….

All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.

Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar

Friend: That’s foreboding

Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me

pet owners be like “this is my pet john but their nicknames are booboo and thicky boy ”

Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.

Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.