If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
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Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
[sits down for a minute]
*gets up three hours later*
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
scrabbled eggs
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
I never had kids because little kids see too many ghosts and that’s something I’d rather not know about
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”