Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂

Son:

Me:

Son:

Me:

Son:

Me:

Son:

Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now

Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]

becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer

(Job interview)

The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later

Me: Okay, I’ll start later then

I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.

“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…

I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.

Did You Know?

Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.

Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10

I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly

*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?

Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.

When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”

Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.

Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work

Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.

Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.

I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.

On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore

Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.

[Petco]

INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.

ME: Like a mermaid?

INTERVIEWER:

I’d like to schedule a disappointment.

Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.

When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.

I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.

For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.

A recipe for laughter

[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!

Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.

kinda wild that i pay tons of money in taxes for bombs each year and have no bombs