As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
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Women denied dating me long before Moby made it cool
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
Any room can be a panic room when your dog brings a live armadillo into the house.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
Drinking before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.