@jjhartinger

If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.

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@justabloodygame

As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.

@tsm560

Women denied dating me long before Moby made it cool

@GeorgiaBarns

All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss

@MarcusTheToken

Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.

@laurenthehough

Any room can be a panic room when your dog brings a live armadillo into the house.

@Kica333

*In the back of an ambulance

Me: Change the radio station

Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy

Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song

@UncleDuke1969

Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?

@brodyfontane

I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.

Thanks YouTube