Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.

I like to take long walks away from stupid people

My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.

Stop

*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost

Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.

Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.

First hand-job experience = bad.

Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?

Me: a black swirling pit of despair

Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat

If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.

Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…

Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.

Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you

If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.

I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate

Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..

That’s how the fight started

The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills

Grow up never but we old may grow we

the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶

Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television

Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem

Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.

When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”

It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse

me: I invited my boss to dinner

her: I thought you hated him

me: I didn’t have any choice

my boss: should I leave?

Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.

Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake

Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one

Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.

The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off

I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.

ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]

DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!